Every April 19th, I observe the birthday of my grandmother, who passed away in 1994. She was a very important part of my life, and there are days even nineteen years later that I feel her absence very sharply. It often takes me by surprise, triggered by a smell (fresh parsley!) or music, or someone who casually mentions something that reminds me of her. That’s the way grief works. The tide may recede gradually over time, but it still comes in waves.
To honor my grandmother’s memory, on her birthday I have several things I do—things we used to do together and that I know would make her happy. I cook foods we used to cook together, I look at her photos, I work in my garden. I usually post a photo on Facebook with a special note in her memory. This observance feels necessary and special to me; it’s a way of keeping her memory alive, and sharing the legacy of her kindness with my friends and family. These rituals are a way I honor her, and they also help me to feel close to her and cope with losing her. Sharing that grief on social media is a way of saying, “This may not be a day of significance to the rest of the world, but it is to me.” I have friends who do the same in memory of their loved ones.
There are other losses that I have experienced in life, that are as significant to me, that I don’t, or can’t observe in the same way. The loss of a major relationship, where the person I care very much about is still here on earth, but gone from my life. The losses of two pregnancies, one of which I had named, and had imagined as the child I thought it would one day be. Losses associated with traumatic events that happened years ago, but that still affect me in the present. The grief that one sometimes feels as the parent of a child with special needs, as you must let go of your idealized version of who you thought they could be, and embrace who they are.
There are many kinds of grief that we experience in life that are private, that we don’t or can’t share with those around us. You may be someone who prefers it that way: maybe you have private ways you deal with this grief and would rather not discuss it or share it. But maybe, like me, you are looking for a way to express the feelings that come up related to the different kinds of grief you experience. In many cases, the grief is related to a loss of control and the shame that one may feel as a survivor of abuse, abandonment, or other traumatic experiences.
Here are some of the examples of lonely grief that friends have shared with me that can be difficult to process because they are usually experienced in private:
-The loss or termination of a pregnancy, stillbirth
-Loss associated with adoption, as the parent or the child
-Loss of a primary bond, such as a parent, sibling, spouse, close friendship, or a pet
-Loss of control or shame associated with being the survivor of violence, abuse, neglect, or abandonment
- Any loss or grief that has lasting emotional repercussions
While it is common to share the fact that we are observing the anniversary of the death of a loved one, many of these other anniversaries we pass in private. Maybe it’s because that’s truly what we prefer; after all, some of us prefer to keep things like that private anyway. As one friend put it, we all experience grief in different ways. But for some of us, the passing of these days that are so meaningful to us without acknowledgement from those around us can in a way compound the grief. It can be a lonely feeling.
So what can we do, on those days when what happened seems so close, even though it may have happened decades ago? What can we do to honor a bond we lost, or to feel supported, even though the world doesn’t know what or why we’re grieving? Though you may wish you could reach out for support or to honor the person you lost, you may feel that to do so would make others uncomfortable, make you feel too vulnerable, or make you feel like you are burdening others with your grief. Whatever your reason for keeping your grief private, if it feels lonely to you, it doesn’t have to. Here are some of the many ways friends have told me they observe their grief privately in a way that is comforting to them. Maybe some of these could help you, too.
1) Tell someone. Is there one someone you trust, to whom you could say, “Today has certain meaning for me, because…?” Quite often when we reach out to friends, we find they care a great deal, and may in turn ask us for support when they need it in the future. Being there for a friend in need, giving them the comfort that you have known loss, too, is one of the ways you can see a positive thing in your loss.
2) There are also Yahoo or Google groups for nearly every community you could think of—pregnancy loss, abuse survivors—there are thousands. You can set up a profile, join a group related to your experience, and post an introduction to yourself sharing why the day matters to you. You can do this at any time, and you may find many people who have been through the same thing. It can be as anonymous as you want it to be. Moderated groups are best because they are there to remind people of boundaries for online safety and to address hostile or inappropriate posts. Groups without moderators can be very unhealthy places.
3) Write a letter. A friend of mine writes a letter every year to the baby she lost to stillbirth. You could write a letter to a person who harmed you (without sending it). Keep the letters in a box and read them each year to see how your feelings about what happened have evolved. Letters to people who have done harm can also be thrown into the fireplace in a ritual of moving on. Get the feelings out on paper, and maybe you can put them away for a while.
4) If it is a relationship that you have lost, particularly if you still have a lot of anger or bitterness, it can be helpful to try some rituals of forgiveness. As they say, we must forgive to rid ourselves of the toxic effects that anger and bitterness have on our own hearts and healing. You can try many of the same rituals to grieve and forgive as we use in memory of a person who has died. Try a writing exercise or meditate on the positive qualities of that person. Reflect on what they brought to your life, and what you have learned as a result of having known them. This is not to say that you should invite them back into your life and your heart, especially if they did you serious harm. I’m simply suggesting that it can be healthy and therapeutic for to let go of the bitterness and grieve for what has passed.
5) How do you grieve and ask for support without going into the details, if you have the desire to do so? Some types of private/lonely grief already have observances. For example, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is observed by thousands of families every year on October 15th. You may have a date that is meaningful only to you: the birth date of a loved one, the specific date that something happened to you, or the date you last saw or spoke to someone you have lost. On that date, if you feel the need to, you can make a list of ways to observe the day’s significance in your own way, in ways that are comforting to you.
6) You can make a donation to a charity that is related to what you have lost. Plant a tree, or light a candle.
Finally, no matter what kind of grief you are experiencing, a qualified grief counselor can help you sort it out and get on the other side of it. There are details on the info page for how to find the right counselor. And this article, 6 Damaging Beliefs About Grief And What You Can Do, has some other good tips.
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